I'm read the above pictured book for my work book club. Most of it doesn't pertain to me, as I'm a very empowered woman who's kicked vulnerability's ass a long time ago. But I'm reading it because it's what has been chosen to be read. I am writing a few books of my own, so Brown's thoughts, arguments, and definitions will be good bases or counterarguments for my work. I'm currently about 1/2 way through and one section has really bothered me.
On pg. 146 Brown discusses "THE CARE AND FEEDING OF OUR SPIRITS." I loved Jennifer Louden's comment,
"It's not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference."
Now, Brown is talking about this in regard to pleasure, comfort, or numbing and if people are merely keeping busy to avoid dealing with things or if they're like me, just busy. I, like doing things. I, like talking to people. I, like having more money than less to be able to buy things, do things, and provide better for my daughter. I'm not avoiding or running away from anything, I just want to expeience it all and don't have enough me to go around!
Brown shared a piece she'd written for the Houston Chronicle after "witnessing how our crazy-busy, anxiety-fueled lifestyles affect other people." Yes, mind you, toward the top of the page Brown also talks about "The invitation...to think about the intention behind our choices and, if helpful, to discuss these issues with family, close friends, or a helping professional." So I feel her main point in including this article, that to me, seems a bit out of place, seems to be intention and maybe mindfulness...and maybe a jab at technology.
In Brown's article she discussed how we "don't see" customer service employees or how we treat them as objects. Yes, sometimes, but also, there are times when I'm merely multi-taking OR the customer service employee just sees me as the object. IT WORKS BOTH WAYS! First of all, I've worked many a customer service jobs and I definitely experience being a customer on the multi-daily. There are even times when I'd wished people would treat me more transactionally by the way! Let's start with my first argument:
1. Multi-tasking. I currently work three jobs, write, love reading, among having other hobbies, have a 17, about to be 18 year old daughter, and have more friends than I can count. I am always busy, not out of avoiding any pain as Brown brings up, but because I have a lot of interests, talents, and things I genuinely want to do and people whom I want to interact with. I often call my dad on my lunch breaks because he's retired and can chat at said time, but sometimes I also leave to pick up lunch while doing so. Therefore, the people at the restaurant or grocery store do not get my full attention and I'm sure some of them like that. This way I'm not stopping them from stocking, helping people who actually need to interact with them, or the checker can converse with the bagger and I'm not annoyed THEY'RE not seeing ME! Which has happened, they greet me and then talk to one another and act like I'm not there (when I'm not on the phone either). I don't need to, want to, or owe these people a personalized interaction. I am there for a TRANS-ACTION. I'm there to get food, not to have a deep and meaningful interaction. Which, by the way, having too many can be exhausting and draining.
2. TRANS - ACTION vs. INTER - ACTION. You're talking to a day-time receptionist and night-time waitress! See why I need to recharge a lot? What do I then have left for my family and friends if I'm having a meaningful interaction with every single person I come into contact with?? what do I have left for myself if I turn every interaction into a personalized "I see you" interaction? I don't go to get my nails done to have a meaningful connection with the girl who does them. I, personally, go to simply get my nails done! In fact, it ruins my experience when I go to get a massage and they try to have a conversation with me or the barista is all peppy and comin' at me CLEARLY before I've had my coffee, "HI!!! Tall caramel white chocolate mocha?! Great! What are your plans today?!" Be nice sure, but, Jesus, I don't need a pepp attack! And sometimes people are private. Maybe the nail salon girl or cashier don't want to have a personal conversation with you/me. Maybe talking about the weather for the 33rd transaction is making them crazy. I want to go shopping and look in peace, be checked on, sure, but I don't want nor need a personal shopper, "Here! Try this. Oo, have you seen this shirt? What about this belt? If you layer this with this and buy this, then you can have 5 different outfits!" Maybe someone is in a hurry. I had an issue donating plasma the other day that pushed me an hour past when I should have been done. I needed the needle ripped out of my arm and to GO! I had a movie to catch. I wasn't trying to be rude to the staff or treat them as an object. I simply had other priorities.
3. I, The Customer, As the Object. Do you know how freaking hard it is to treat everyone customer as unique and provide a catered interaction? I worked at an electronics store and many employees saw the customers as objects. Especially because we were trained to interact and to sell to them in one of four categories: middle aged and family oriented, young and tech savvy, older and not tech savvy, and I honestly forget the other one, upper-class with kids?? And we all had sales and credit card goals for the day so a lot of people saw customers at potential to hit their sales and credit card goals. Yes, it's nice to have regulars and to connect with people. But the employees also sometimes treat the customers like they're invisible. Do you know what it's like waiting tables? You don't always have time to get to know Karen and Paul and their three children and note why they're dining out. They are table 20 and need ketchup and a refill on Pepsi...oh, and did I ask them if they had a reward card? Ope, gotta run table 42's food even though it's not mine, "Do you need anything else? No...? Your server will be over to check on you!" FUCK! I forgot the ketchup. Some people are just happy if they get what they ordered. NOT EVERYONE NEEDS A SHOW!
Brown closes by stating that she NOT saying we should necessarily have deep and meaningful conversation with everyone we interact with, but if we don't have the time or energy to look people in the eye when we speak to them we should stay home.
4. Social Anxiety and Such. How does Brown include such a judgy article while talking about being vulnerable and having anxiety and depression without considering the reasons why some people don't look into someone's eyes when they are talking to them? first of all, some people have social anxiety and aren't good with people. Maybe the person who doesn't want to make eye contact is picking up a medication they're embarrassed about. Or the person you're engaging with just got stood up (happened to a guest of mine earlier this week!). Or maybe they're dealing with a break up and wanted Chinese or ice cream, but had to schlep themselves out of their home to get their comfort food.
There are way too many variables to even discuss for why people may not engage to the level of Brown's standards, but I don't think she should be so harsh. It was refreshing and cute the first time a guy called for one of my coworkers and said "Is a young man by the name of _first_ _last_ there?!" And now that he does it EVERY TIME he calls, I'm annoyed. I was in the weeds (server speak for behind) because all six of my tables were needy in a way that didn't work well with what each of them needed and when and on top of it a woman at the bar talked and joked with me EVERY TIME I tried to ring something in which slowed me down and made me lose my train of thought. She couldn't see that I was super busy and that her bartender, who I needed to make my tables' drinks, was super busy. And I THANKED GOD for the people at my tables who allowed me to treat them transactionally because it helped me get out of the weeds. I mean, this book was written in 2012....what does Brown think about self-checkouts and Panera pick up where you just walk in, find your name, and grab your food without locking eyes with anyone.
I really think Jennifer Louden hit it on the head when she spoke of intention. Maybe one of those ladies in the nail salon was on the phone with her best friend who wasn't able to meet her to get her nails done. Or like I do a lot, talk to my sisters, "Wanna go grocery shopping with me? No, you don't have a choice, that's what we're doing!...Oo, now we're going out to dinner, it's you or my book!" Not everyone who doesn't lock eyes with someone in customer service is being an asshole. That's all I'm saying.
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